So, Um, Yeah, I Lied
by u2shay
Summary: After Bella’s encounter with James, her injuries are too severe & Edward is forced to change her into a vampire. Upon waking, she realizes that he has been less than truthful about just what it means to be one of the undead. Twilight AU, Very OOC, Spoof


**A/N:** I wrote this for MsKathy's Haitian Relief Compilation. She has graciously lifted the restriction on posting a day early for the Fandom Appreciation Day. So Thank you for just being so awesome, dear readership! Love you, bbs! ~Shay

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**Disclaimer:** Not Mine! All recognizable plots, ideas, characters, etc belong to Stephenie Meyer and Co. No Copyright infringement is intended.

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**~~~Bella~~~**

After what seemed like an eternity, the fire in my veins finally quieted and the rapid thumping in my chest ceased. I lay still for several seconds reveling in the lack of pain.

The last thing that I remembered was being in the ballet studio. James had smiled at me sadistically before sinking his razor sharp teeth through the skin on my wrist. I thought that I was going to die, but Edward had come, he had saved me. As I lay writhing, his sweet musical voice had whispered in my ear that he was going to make everything better—and he had, he had chosen to make me like him. Now we would be together for eternity, just as I had always wished.

It was his voice that had pulled me through the worst of the burning. And it was his melodic voice that called to me now, lulling me from my pyre and into his world.

My eyes popped open and focused on the love of my existence, my reason for being. "Edward," I breathed, my hand reaching for his stressed face tentatively.

"Oh, Bella, finally…"

Edward embraced me, enclosing me in his strong arms. He buried his face in my hair and breathed deeply. I turned my face into his neck and returned the favor. His scent was stronger, sweeter. He was delicious. I sighed and leaned against him.

He pulled back and smiled at me. His dark, hungry gaze fell to my mouth. I smiled.

"Are you thinking what I am thinking?" I asked quietly. _Oh, I hoped he was!_

"God, yes!" he groaned.

Edward's mouth crashed into mine. I gasped as I felt his tongue brush against my pursed lips. We had never kissed like this before. It was too dangerous. He might lose control; I might get hurt. Then it dawned on me—I was like him now.

Rejoicing inside, I moaned and opened my mouth to his. Before I could register the movement, Edward had me flat on my back on the bed. His lean body was hovering over mine and he had ripped my t-shirt open. This was a side of Edward I had never seen before. It excited me. I guessed there was an eager teenaged boy in him, after all.

Edward's lips were traveling down my neck, licking and nipping me lightly. I moaned again, arching up into his stone body. The sensations coursing through me were like nothing I had ever felt before. My hands fell to his chest. I fisted the material of his light gray shirt in my hands and ripped it from his body. He growled loudly, settling his weight against me, letting me feel his arousal for the first time.

His hands clutched me to him tightly and his turbulent eyes fell closed. "I've waited so long for this…I mean, you…"

I frowned slightly as his words registered.

Noticing the rigid nature of my formerly pliant body, Edward's desperate caresses against my flesh ceased and he sighed. "Forgive me…I just want you so much."

I relaxed against him, moaning softly as he kissed me once more. I wanted him so much, too—desperately, endlessly. Soon the frenzy of out of control lust was upon us again. His hands began to run urgently up and down my body before settling on my breasts.

Edward was cursing under his breath and his hands where working furiously at the front closure of my bra—I guess that they were confounding even to the immortal mind—when the sound of an impatient foot tapping and a throat clearing broke through the lustful haze swirling around us.

"Way to cock block, Alice! Do you mind? I'm trying to get laid here!" Edward growled, glaring at his sister.

"Trust me, brother, that is not a good idea."

Edward froze above me, a look of concentration overriding his obvious annoyance at being interrupted. I assumed that Alice was showing him a vision. His eyes popped wide open and he stared at me disbelievingly for a second before rolling away with a disheartened groan. Edward lay there, pinching the bridge of his nose and muttering Calculus equations under his breath in an attempt to bring his body back under control.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye and wondered if he did that often. I sat up, clutching the tattered edges of my shirt together. Shaking her head, Alice reached into the suitcase that was by the door and threw me a button down shirt. It was one of Edward's by the smell of it.

I took the opportunity to glance around. I recognized this place. It was my old bedroom back in Phoenix. I was surprised that we were still in Arizona. I would have thought that they would have taken me back to Forks.

Alice tossed another shirt in Edward's direction and he caught it mid-flight, shrugging into it with a sour look on his face. "Are you sure, Alice?"

She smirked. "That Bella will kill you irrevocably if you do _that_ before you tell her the truth? Positive! Heck, I don't think she would regret it for at least a century either!"

Edward groaned again and let out a frustrated sigh. He glanced at me balefully before running his fingers through his tousled bronze hair. "But…"

Alice frowned deeply, folding her arms across her chest. "Quit being such a little bitch and suck it up. You've waited ninety years; a few more decades won't kill you!"

"A few more decades!" he sputtered.

Alice's expression turned half pitying, half amused. She shrugged. "At least! The vision isn't clear. It could be a few years; it could be a few centuries. It just depends."

Edward turned to stare at me. His gaze was heated and predatory. My stomach dived to the bottom of my feet. "Get out!" he growled at Alice.

He took a step toward me, unbuttoning his shirt rapidly, revealing his toned, muscular chest. As soon as it was undone, his hand fell to the waistband of his jeans. I gulped loudly. Alice stepped in front of him and placed a restraining hand on his chest. "Remember what I said, Edward, death…"

"At least I'll go with a smile…"

"Edward, as much as we _all_ long for the demise of your brooding, emo alter-ego that will inevitably follow once you start getting it regular, you really, _really_ need to tell Bella the truth!" Alice's voice had risen and grown shriller with each word as she said this.

I frowned. There it was again…Alice implying that Edward had lied about something and apparently it was important…

"What truth, Edward?" I questioned expectantly, my gaze bouncing back and forth between them.

Edward turned to glare at Alice. If wishes were reality, I had the feeling that Alice would be a smoldering pile of vampire ash right now.

"Edward?"

He sighed, quickly making his way to my side. "Come on," he said, holding out his hand. "This is something better handled with the family."

I followed Edward, with a sinking feeling growing in the pit of my stomach. Alice followed behind us. I was sure that she took up the rear guard to stop Edward, if he suddenly decided to go caveman, throw me over his shoulder, and take me back upstairs to make me his woman.

The Cullens were spread out in the family room of my mother's Phoenix home. Emmett was laid back on the plaid loveseat with his head resting in Rosalie's lap and his feet dangling over the edge. Jasper was standing in the corner by the fireplace, looking over the photos of me as a child that were spread out on the mantle. Finally, Carlisle was sitting in Phil's recliner and Esme was perched on his lap, smiling at me broadly. Edward led me to the matching plaid sofa. I sat in the middle and he sat beside me.

Alice walked over and stood in front of Emmett expectantly. His mouth split into a wide grin.

"Sooooo…tell me, Alice, did you…" Em glanced at her hopefully, his eyebrows waggling lecherously.

Alice grinned. "Yep!"

"You waited, right? For the most inopportune moment?"

She giggled and rolled her eyes. "Of course, I went in at the last possible moment. Edward was about a half a second away from ripping her bra in half, two seconds later their pants would have been gone and then…"

I gasped. "Alice!" I screeched.

Emmett grinned evilly. "Whoa, Eddie, foreplay much?"

Edward glowered at his brother. He lifted his hand and very deliberately gave him the finger.

He chuckled gleefully and turned his gaze back to Alice. "I've got to say, you are totally fuckawesome! You know that, right, Ali?"

Alice grinned, flashing her brilliantly white teeth. "Sure do!" She skipped away merrily and plopped down on the couch beside me.

"Emmett…language!" Esme said with a reproving frown on her face.

"Sorry, Mom," Emmett said, but his expression was unrepentant.

I glanced around the room trying to distract myself from thinking about the horrifyingly embarrassing conspiracy to keep Edward and me virgins forever. I noticed immediately how dirty the house was. Renee wasn't the best housekeeper in the world and it showed. There would be no way that I could leave it like this when we left. The cobwebs in the corners were already bothering the hell out of me.

"So, Bella, how are you feeling?" Carlisle began.

I glanced at my new father nervously and reached for Edward's hand. "Uh, fine I guess."

"Are you thirsty?"

I felt Edward stiffen beside me. Jasper shot him a curious glance.

I shrugged. "Now that you mention it, my throat is a little scratchy…"

Carlisle nodded. "Well then, perhaps we should postpone this talk and take you hunting…"

Edward jumped up with a panicked look on his face. "No!" he shouted.

Everyone froze in their motions to rise and stared at him peculiarly.

"What's wrong, Edward?" I asked curiously. "Red Rock isn't too far away. I've been there once or twice. It has a nice variety of wildlife—uh, deer, bear, and mountain lion…that's your favorite, right?"

It took me a moment, but I noticed that every Cullen was staring at us incredulously, eyes wide with shock and confusion. Their eyes darted back and forth between Edward and me.

"What are you talking about, Bella?" Carlisle asked, breaking the silence.

"Uh…well, Edward said that you prefer carnivores, that herbivores, like deer, aren't as satisfying, but they will do. And Emmett, I know you like bears. He told me that you prefer them ever since one almost killed you…" I stopped talking, because everyone was laughing at me.

Emmett had rolled off the couch and was on the floor curled into the fetal position because he was laughing so hard. Rosalie had her hand over her mouth and her eyes were glittering brightly. Jasper was doubled over in the corner, his loud guffaws echoing around the room. Esme had her face buried in Carlisle's neck and he was biting his lip trying to hold back his chuckles.

I frowned. "Wait a minute…Edward?"

Edward was staring at our intertwined fingers. "Alice," he muttered.

"Oh, don't try to put this off on me!" she cried indignantly.

"It was your suggestion," he hissed.

"Well, what the hell, Edward? You loved her! If you had told her the truth like you planned, she would have run screaming from the meadow! I did you a favor!"

I snatched my hand from Edward's as my realization became more absolute. "You aren't vegetarians, are you? You lied to me."

Laughter erupted around me again.

"Vegetarians! Oh God, that's rich!" Emmett howled.

I shook my head. "You are all monsters!"

Edward fell to his knees beside me and clutched my hands in his. "No, Bella! No! We are the opposite, actually."

"Edward…you kill people!"

"Not good ones!" he said, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

"Good ones," I sputtered, indignant. "Who are you to judge? You told me you didn't do that anymore!"

"Bella," Alice began. "Look at this in a logical manner. We perform a service for the communities that we move into. We quietly eliminate the dregs of society…"

I glared at her, folding my arms across my chest. "Really? Then why are Paris Hilton and Britney Spears still breathing?"

"Because they're hot!" Emmett said. His outburst was quickly followed by a loud smack.

"Vampires also help control human population growth and keep the earth in balance," Esme added quietly.

I turned to stare at her incredulously. "So, what, we're environmentalists now, too? Save the earth from the evil, destructive humans… Hold on a moment, let me go grab my Birkenstocks and some peace beads and we can all sit around and sing _Kum-Bi-Ya_ over the body of a eviscerated Mike Newton! Maybe we should move down to the Amazon and hunt down all the loggers and slash-and-burn farmers!"

"There's already a coven down there that handles that," Alice said quietly.

"Of course there is! I know _we_ don't need to breathe, but considering the fact that dinner does…"

Esme's mouth pressed into a firm, disapproving line, but she didn't say anything else.

"Bella, love, we…"

"Shut it…just shut up! I don't want to hear it!" Edward's mouth snapped closed and he stared at me sadly, still kneeling before me.

"Bella, I think what Edward is trying to say is that we are much different than some of our darker brethren."

I stared at Carlisle, my eyebrow lifted in a disbelieving manner.

He sighed. "Most of our kind is not so…discriminating about their feasting. The majority of us seek out O blood types. They are the most appetizing, because of their carnivorous tendencies. You'll find out that A blood types are the least appealing…"

Esme's nose wrinkled slightly. "Herbivores." She shuddered slightly as she said this.

"And I'll be able to tell the difference?" Everyone around me nodded vigorously. "I don't have a choice, do I? I'm going to have to kill…people."

"Well, you don't have to kill them…" Rosalie began.

My gaze snapped up. "But I thought…Edward said that the taste of blood causes a feeding frenzy…"

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "For a newborn maybe."

"Definitely," Carlisle interjected. "Bella, you won't be able to stop, to hold back the flow of venom for several years yet. Don't worry, though, we won't let you kill an innocent."

"So what qualifies as…not innocent?"

Emmett grinned. "Oh, you know, child molesters, rapists, murderers, drug dealers, wife beaters…"

I nodded. "So, do you have a preference?"

"Child abusers," Esme said.

"They all taste the same to me," Rosalie added, shrugging.

I turned to Edward. "Child molesters," he murmured.

"Grizzlies," Emmett said with a smirk and a chuckle.

Edward's eyes narrowed. "Smart ass!" he muttered under his breath.

"Yankees," Jasper said, deadpan.

My eyes widened. "Yankees? As in Northerners?"

He nodded solemnly. I opened my mouth to question him further, but Edward stopped me. "Don't ask!" he hissed. "Jasper funds an account that has the sole purpose of helping the South rise again!"

My mouth snapped shut as I searched for something else to say. "What about you, Carlisle?"

He muttered something under his breath that I did not catch. "What was that?" I asked.

"The elderly," Carlisle stated solemnly.

"What?" I screeched. "Did you say the elderly? I thought you said that we hunted those who were a menace to society! The elderly…like little old grandmas?"

He shrugged. "It's not like they weren't on their way out anyway, besides have you ever seen them _drive_? Talk about a menace!"

My mouth worked like a fish out of water. "But…but…Uh…"

A loud chuckle rent the air. "Did you guys see her face?" Carlisle chortled.

"Dude, she totally believed you! That was awesome! Show me some love!" Emmett demanded, holding out his fist toward his father for a bump.

"You have just been introduced to Carlisle's especially morbid brand of humor, love. Welcome to the family! You are officially a Cullen now!"

I tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace. Once upon a time being a Cullen was all I wanted, but now…

"Don't worry, Bella, Edward will help you hunt. He will point you in the right direction. That's his job in the family. He finds the scumbags and I keep the authorities off of our trail. Carlisle works at the hospital giving him access to blood products and upholding a respectable front. We are a unit…it works and it saves us from having to live a nomadic existence." Alice shuddered in revulsion.

Emmett nodded. "Yeah, I'm telling you, if keeping Edward around didn't have such benefits we would have ripped him apart and burned him years ago!"

Everyone in the family was nodding vigorously, in complete agreement with Emmett. Edward was seething beside me, glaring at his family and cursing them all to perdition under his breath.

"Um, you said that I wouldn't be able to control myself as a newborn around humans… I assume you are speaking from experience."

Everyone nodded again. "Tell me about it."

Emmett, of course, piped up first. "Let's see, Rose here stalked and murdered her ex-fiancé…and all of his friends…and his acquaintances, his neighbors, his dog…" Emmett turned to stare at his mate with a smirk. "I mean, what kind of a stone cold bitch kills a guy's dog?"

I glanced at Rosalie. She was grinning evilly, lost in the past.

"It was a beautiful dog—a golden retriever. It had these eyes…you know, the kind of eyes that could beg the T-bone off the plate of a starving man. Anyway, Rose here rips the poor sucker's head off and leaves it next to Royce on his pillow like something straight out of _The _fucking_ Godfather_! Man, you tormented that poor bastard, Rose." He eyed her speculatively. "I have to say that's hot!"

"I seem to remember that you have a vengeful streak yourself, my man," Rosalie purred.

"The bitch ran off with my best friend," Emmett said, his voice hard and cold.

"I didn't say she didn't deserve it, baby."

I turned away. "What about you, Jasper."

He shifted uncomfortably.

Alice leaned in conspiratorially after throwing an apologetic smile in Jasper's direction. "Well, Jasper is the real reason why the south lost The Civil War. His bloodlust was so severe that he decimated the Confederate Army's numbers." I glanced at Jazz. His face looked pained. "We don't discuss it…ever!"

I nodded my head in understanding. Jasper was muttering under his breath about the incompetence of some general that I had never heard of.

"Carlisle?"

Edward answered for him. "Bella, do you remember when I told you that sometimes unexplained events and diseases and such were really a front for vampiric activity?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember learning about the outbreak of the Bubonic Plague in London in 1665?" I nodded and he continued, "Well, let me introduce you to your new father…the plague."

"And Esme?"

"Don't ask!" Everyone shouted at once. I was curious, but considering all the horrors I had been introduced to today, I decided to let it pass.

I looked at Alice warily. I didn't know if I wanted to inquire about her newborn years. She sighed. "I drank my insane asylum dry and burned it to the ground to cover my tracks."

I was about to ask Edward about his past—his true past—when the sound of footsteps distracted me. Everyone glanced up as the door suddenly opened. I gasped in shock as Victoria and James glided in. Preparing to make a lunge for James' throat, I hissed and leaped off of the couch. I thought that Edward had killed him when he rescued me.

"Relax, Bella, that's just James and his mate Victoria," Alice said with a shrug, seding Jasper a warning glance.

"I know exactly who he is!" I spat.

"Uh, Bella, love…James, is Jasper's cousin."

"Damn Yankee lovin' traitor," Jazz murmured, glaring at him.

James rolled his eyes and shook his head, an exasperated sigh falling from his lips. "It's been a hundred and fifty years, do you think you could get over it already?"

"Over it? You fought for the fucking UNION!!!" Jasper shouted. "What kind of southerner are you?"

He sighed again. "How many times do I have to tell you that Kentucky was a_ neutral state_?"

"Neutral...my ass!"

"Later Jazz...we can settle this later!"

I watched their argument incredulously. I figured that later there was going to be a battle to rival Gettysburg on the front lawn. Perhaps we should warn the neighbors!

James laughed a little and approached me nonchalantly, as if he hadn't tortured and broken me in the ballet studio. He perched on the arm of the sofa, invading my personal space with a cheeky grin. "Was'up, Bella?"

I opened my mouth to make some kind of smart-ass comment when I noticed the color of his eyes and gasped. "Your eyes! They're gold!"

He snorted. "Duh! All vampires have gold eyes. Only vampires in movies and books have red eyes, sheesh! I was wearing contacts. It was all a part of the game."

My brow wrinkled in confusion. "The game?" Beside me, Edward let out a low growl and turned to glare furiously at Jasper. He just shrugged, a smarmy expression on his leonine face.

"Here's the thing, darlin'," Jazz began. "We all knew that Edward was too big of a pussy to ever change you and really claim you as his mate, so we discussed it and decided to give him a push in the right direction."

Emmett nodded. "I don't think you realize it, but without you, Bella, Edward is such a…"

"Brooding?" Esme asked.

"Melancholy?" Carlisle inquired.

"Annoying?" James threw in.

"Masochistic?" Victoria postulated.

"Emo?" Alice added.

"Killjoy." Jasper stated firmly.

Emmett shook his head. "Well, yeah, but I was thinking more along the lines of a ginormous—"

"Douche?" Rosalie asked.

"Thanks, babe!" She winked at him. "So…what Rose said…"

Edward growled again. I smiled a little. It was a perfect assessment of him.

"Anyhoo…Jazz reluctantly called his cousin, James here, and asked if he would be willing to help force Edward's hand," Alice joined in.

I glanced down at the wrist that James had bitten when I noticed something peculiar—a strange pattern of crisscrossing and overlapping scars ran from my wrist to my elbow. I lifted my other arm. The same pattern of scarring was present there as well. I looked over at Edward who was squirming uncomfortably next to me.

"This isn't from the change, is it?"

"Uh, no. I only bit you once, Bella. But it looks like I wasn't the only one who was biting you, if you catch my drift," James said, glancing between my scarred arms and Edward meaningfully.

My gaze narrowed in on Edward. "You used to bite me, didn't you?" I accused.

"Bella…" he began imploringly.

"You…you…shit!" I screamed.

"Atta girl, Bella!" Emmett said, egging me on.

"Is that why you wouldn't change me?"

"Bella…"

"Shut up!" I hollered. "I thought my blood appealed to you so much that you fought every moment not to kill me!"

Jasper snorted. "Oh, he lusted for you, Bella, just not in the way you thought!"

"What? In Biology, you wouldn't even talk to me. Your eyes were like all black and stuff!"

"C'mon, Bella…didn't you notice how Edward sat there all stiff…" As Alice said this, her brothers cracked up laughing. She sneered at them, wrinkling her nose and shaking her head. "And he sat facing away from you…" Alice glanced at me meaningfully, like I was missing something important.

"So…"

"Man, you didn't see the raging hard-on he had? Tough bounce, Eddie! I guess she wasn't impressed! I mean, are you even sure that you had an erection… If Bella didn't notice, maybe you were mistaken!"

Edward glared at Emmett, a low snarl rumbling in his throat. "Fuck off. All of you! How many times have I told you that my erectional history is none of you damn business?"

I turned to stare at Edward. "I thought you were sitting there struggling not to kill everyone in the class so you could drain me dry!"

Jasper snickered, his eyes dancing with unrestrained mirth. "Well, I'm sure he was struggling, Bella! He was fighting not to throw you up on the lab table and give the class a biology lesson that they would never forget!"

I shook my head. I didn't know Edward at all! "Who are you?"

"Bella…"

"Is anything you said the truth? I mean, are you even a virgin?"

"Holy shit!" Jasper shouted.

"Oh, no you _didn't_!" Emmett hollered, leaping to his feet. "Damn, man! You lie about your drinking habit, but you tell the truth about being a hundred and nine year old virgin?!? What the hell is wrong with you, you dumbass?"

I glanced around the room. Even Carlisle was nodding in agreement with Emmett's assessment of Edward.

"Jeez, I told you to take advantage of it when Tanya offered to…" Emmett made a knocking motion with his fist.

Edward's face scrunched up in disgust. "Are you freaking kidding me? Do you know how many things have crawled up there and _died_ in the last millennium? Tanya's a succubus…"

Jasper sneered. "Emmett, I have to say, Edward has a point."

Emmett thought about it for a moment and then agreed. A wicked smirk crossed his lips and he said, "Just tell me this, Edward, when you were being so honest with Bella about you being a repressed virgin and all, did you tell her about your habit of molesting the shower every morning when you got back from spending the night with her, too?"

Edward let out a low warning growl, glaring at his brother.

Emmett's grin grew wider, his eyes were twinkling brightly. "Hey Bella, did you know that vampire jizz can corrode the plumbing? Burned right through like acid...Esme was so pissed. Good thing Eddie-boy never asked you to give him a blow--"

Edward leaped off the couch with a furious snarl and tackled Emmett. Their bodies smacked together with a loud crack. They tumbled backward over the loveseat, landing in a tangle of limbs on the other side. Rosalie jumped up and stepped to the side, her elegant hand came up slowly and she patted her hair gently, making sure that not a strand was out of place.

With Edward distracted, I rushed out of the family room and ran up the stairs. I threw myself down on my old bed and curled into the fetal position, locking my hands around my stone knees. Downstairs the family was taking bets on how long it would be before I forgave Edward and "unleashed his weapon of mast evasion", as Emmett put it. Esme put down five hundred thousand dollars on never, and at the moment I was in total agreement with her.

As I lay there, I contemplated my new life. I was confused and angry about many things, but there were three things that I was absolutely positive about. First, Edward Cullen was a fucking liar. Second, there was a part of me—and I didn't know how dominant that part was—that wanted to rip him apart and burn the pieces. And third, I was completely and irrevocably an undead immortal—unless, of course, the _prick_ was lying about that too!

**--The End**

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**A/N:** Thank you to everyone who donated to worthy cause of helping the devastated people of Haiti! Y'all are AWESOME!!

This little masterpiece—quit laughing and shaking your head—was inspired by the song: **Confessions Part 3 by Weird Al Yankovich**** http[://]www[.]youtube[.]com/watch?v=n_HOHDDnUDg**

BTW, I am on Twitter if you would like to say hi! **www[.]twitter[.]com/u2shay **(I don't think I've mentioned that before)

I also have a new story coming out in the next day or two called, _Deconstructing Yesterday_...keep an eye out for it...I think you are going to love it...Mmmmm...Darkward!

**If you feel so inclined, I would love it if you left me a review! :) **

**~Shay**


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